Money has been tight lately with Jen being on unemployment and some unforeseen expenses. As a result I had to go without anxiety meds because I had to see the doctor before I could get a refill and we did not have money until today to see the doctor. I won't say the time without the meds was easy, both physically and mentally. I wanted nothing more than to call in to work and not leave the house. Maybe when this first started I would have. Heck, no maybe about it. I did not leave the house for three months. I also had the added stress of going through the hiring process into work which I am still waiting to go through. But I found the strength to get up and go into work. After nights of night sweats and dizziness I fought through and went to work and lived up to my responsibility.
I used some survival techniques that I had learned from a counselor that I had seen when I was in Kentucky. It was challenging my thoughts. It was disproving them. When I thought I was going to die I sat back and thought I have been fighting this for over eight years and I am still here. So thinking I was going to die was pretty illogical. I realized that I was not going to die when I left the house. I hiked up the big boy pants and did what needed to be done. I have a habit of beating myself pretty unmercifully, but this was a time that I could be proud about. I can look back and see how far I have come. When you are going through anxiety or depression, these are moments that you really need to take in and realize that you did something good. You are making improvements. That is all anyone can ask, and all you can ask of yourself. Celebrate the victories. You are worth it. Do I have a long way to go? Yeah, probably, but I have a longer road behind me than I do ahead. Will I always be able to beat this? I don't know, but this week I did, and that is not nothing. So here is hoping that paperwork goes though and I will have insurance and some stability that I have not had for a long time.
