Sometimes I stammer and mix up my grammar...

     But you get what my meanings are. Lately I have been having quite a few moments when I am talking when my brain will totally blank out and I will really have to concentrate to keep my train of thought going. This has led to some stammering or pauses, sometimes even mixing up words. Now I know I am going on 40 and getting older, but my brain is really the only thing I have going for me. I don't know if it is nervousness due to anxiety or the meds I am on. I have spoken to my doctor and he said that the meds can cause gaps or cause episodes like this. The thing is I have been on them for a while now and it seems to be getting worse.
     The thing with anxiety is sometimes I can't tell I am experiencing it. I mean I feel fine, but then I have incidents like this when maybe I could be anxious or nervous. The thing is it happens when I am talking to family members of friends. I guess the thing with the things I go through is that I don't have a lot of answers. Just a whole lot of questions. I have never done a drug in my life until I was prescribed the meds I am on now. So I have no idea what affect they are having on me. I am not sure what is the real me and what is the medicated me, it has been do long.
     It is not all bad though. I have found a job where I think I fit in. I am realizing the importance of the job and keeping it, so I think I am almost to where I was before this whole thing started. So that is really good, and when you are going through anxiety it is really easy to get down on yourself, so it is really important to realize when you have done well, and let yourself feel good about it. Victories are sometimes hard to come by so reward yourself. Also got the new car which I totally knew that I would not get, and we got it anyway despite my negativity. Both mine and Jens parents have said how proud they are of us and feel like we are on our way. I think so too. Just have to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are so many things out of our control. I have tried to get myself to concentrate on the things I can control. Concentrate on the now instead of worrying about the future. We have got a great support system going here which helps immensely. If anyone reads this and needs to talk, I am available. I have been there. It does get better.

Thanks for reading.

Brett

Unforseen side effects

Everyone has heard of the effects of anxiety on the person suffering from it, but there is definitely shrapnel that affects everyone around you. The first thing that I noticed after the three months away from work was that I was not the same kind of worker. I really did not care, and it showed in my work. I would go in and play games on my work computer. I would sleep in my cube due to the new meds I was on. I was the supervisor on the helpdesk. Eventually the people that worked for me noticed it, and said something to my manager. I did not know what to say. This was totally not me, and here I was screwing over the people that kept me on the payroll when they totally did not have to. I took the talk to heart and did better. I still was not the same as I was from before. I think it still holds me back in my professional life. Not like it did, but I still think I could be better.

Apart from the work life was personal life. It is really hard to have friends when you really don't want to leave the house. It really came into being when I lived in Kentucky. It seemed like I always had an excuse not to go somewhere or do something when I was asked. I missed out on a lot of times with my friends down there. But thankfully they kept asking. That was my biggest fear was that people would stop inviting me places. Not leaving the house left me meeing people online that were definitely not the best for me and I got myself into some bad situations with them. Again, more wasted time. Instead of being with real life friends who I knew had my best interests at heart, I went with people who it turns out I did not know at all. Well you live you learn. The best thing we could have done is move back to Michigan among friends and family. I have a friend who has me out of the house at least once a week if not more. I can't say how much I owe him and his wife. Jen and I have friends that we can hang out with as a couple which we have never had before, and we are surrounded by friends.

If there is one thing I hope that people learn from this is not to stop asking. Don't give up on the friend that always has something come up when you make plans. It may be something deeper. It is not easy laying myself out like this, but selfishly it helps me to write about it and maybe someone will read this and identify. Things do get better. I still have my moments, but few and far between now. Surround yourself with people that care about you and have your best interests at heart. I guess if there is one thing that I learned from those other people is that my life is not all negative and to celebrate the little victories and don't dwell on the defeats.