Sometimes I stammer and mix up my grammar...

     But you get what my meanings are. Lately I have been having quite a few moments when I am talking when my brain will totally blank out and I will really have to concentrate to keep my train of thought going. This has led to some stammering or pauses, sometimes even mixing up words. Now I know I am going on 40 and getting older, but my brain is really the only thing I have going for me. I don't know if it is nervousness due to anxiety or the meds I am on. I have spoken to my doctor and he said that the meds can cause gaps or cause episodes like this. The thing is I have been on them for a while now and it seems to be getting worse.
     The thing with anxiety is sometimes I can't tell I am experiencing it. I mean I feel fine, but then I have incidents like this when maybe I could be anxious or nervous. The thing is it happens when I am talking to family members of friends. I guess the thing with the things I go through is that I don't have a lot of answers. Just a whole lot of questions. I have never done a drug in my life until I was prescribed the meds I am on now. So I have no idea what affect they are having on me. I am not sure what is the real me and what is the medicated me, it has been do long.
     It is not all bad though. I have found a job where I think I fit in. I am realizing the importance of the job and keeping it, so I think I am almost to where I was before this whole thing started. So that is really good, and when you are going through anxiety it is really easy to get down on yourself, so it is really important to realize when you have done well, and let yourself feel good about it. Victories are sometimes hard to come by so reward yourself. Also got the new car which I totally knew that I would not get, and we got it anyway despite my negativity. Both mine and Jens parents have said how proud they are of us and feel like we are on our way. I think so too. Just have to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are so many things out of our control. I have tried to get myself to concentrate on the things I can control. Concentrate on the now instead of worrying about the future. We have got a great support system going here which helps immensely. If anyone reads this and needs to talk, I am available. I have been there. It does get better.

Thanks for reading.

Brett