Hate is one of the strongest words in the English Language. It is something that being raised a Christian that I really did not have much experience with. We were taught to forgive and forget and not to spend time hating. I was all fine with that until about a year and a half ago. That is when I learned what it truly meant to hate. The worst thing it was people that were close to me, and I thought were friends. They were not people that I had actually met in person. They were people I had forged friendships with online. That was probably my first mistake. Even when you meet people online and have conversations with them, how well do you really know them. I won't bore you with the details of what happened, but it hurt. A lot. Things were said to me that I had never heard said to me before from other people, but had always thought of myself that way. It was quite a shock to hear that supposed friends thought of me that way and were keeping personal scorecards of all of my faults. So I ended up closing off my Facebook to everyone, but people that I knew in real life and some select others. I promised myself I would never let anyone get that close to me again, and I haven't. I guess that is why I like Twitter. It has a kind of impersonal feel to it. I don't get too close and people don't get to close to me in a 140 characters.
The thing is, is that this goes against everything I am. When I am a friend I am all in, thick or thin, better or worse, you could count on me. Not anymore. I will still be a friend and I am trying, but putting myself out there again and trusting someone is not going to really happen anytime soon I don't think. I still have the hate that I am holding onto and the fear that it will happen again. Maybe one day I will be able to let it go and make peace with people. But I am afraid not today.
