What can't I live without?

This question was posed to me today. I guess my first answer would be life. Ever since I was still in school I never thought I would live to have to worry about making future plans, having a career, what I wanted to be when I grew up. I thought I would be dead. I never thought I would make it to the point where I had to worry about these things. Now here I am at 41, and I am floundering. I work a job that I hate. I have no idea what I would be doing, or what I would want to do if I was not working it. I had no long term goals. I lived in the now and really did not do well. Most people that think they are dying travel, or go skydiving, or write a novel. Yeah, that’s not me. I have not really done anything with my life. I live in a one bedroom apartment that is way to small with my wife and cats, struggle to pay the bills, and am wondering what I want to do with my life.
These are the issues that anxiety sufferers face. The feeling of impending doom is so prevalent that you can't feel anything else, so you are just along for the ride waiting for the other shoe to drop. So here I find myself fighting with that question again. To actually love something so much I could not do without it. I am listening to any voices or suggestions that I hear through the noise of anxiety. Have been dealing with the anxiety for over ten years. Well that was when I finally got it diagnosed. Not before it almost put me in the funny farm. I have been dealing with it for much longer than that, I just never knew what it was.
So here I am trying to feel passion about anything. I have been doing better at writing. I have I think done some pretty good articles lately. I have been reaching out to folks for potential interviews. The thing I am stuck on is how to turn that into something I can make a living on. I love working for comics, but I would like to turn it into something where I can leave a job that I can do that and make a living at it. I am still working on that. I have surrounded myself with great people and they have been big helps. I just need to get excited about it. I need to get some passion going about what I am doing. I am truly grateful for the people I have met through Twitter. Without them I would not even be thinking about this and would be mired in the job that I don’t really like, which is ironic seeing as I am 30k in dept in a degree in it. But that is a story for another post. Thanks for reading.

Striking a balance

I went through a lot of years with a love hate relationship with social media and the internet in general. I formed a lot of bad relationships and friendships that were unhealthy for both parties. I was searching for something and did not know what. I was using these relationships as a replacement for actual human contact. I did not know these people, yet I trusted them with things I would never have now, and vice versa. It took moving back to Michigan, back to family before I found out what I was missing, human companionship. People that I knew actually had my best interest at heart. They were people who accepted me flaws and all, no hidden agendas. I also had a better handle on what I wanted from online relationships. I think I may have let myself get to close at times. I was not really a dater pretty much all my life so I was not sure how to handle female friendships so those were what I stunk at the most. The things with having healthier relationships in real life, is that it leads to healthier relationships and interactions online. I have met gotten to know quite a few great people on Twitter. This comes as a sort of surprise and when I got on Twitter I knew nobody on there in real life. I still don’t. I think I can count on one finger the followers that I have met in real life, and that is ok. I take these friendships for what they are. I keep a part of myself to myself that I didn’t before. It is all a balance and I think I have found the right one for me. I don’t think I was myself before, at least not all of myself. I tended to focus on the negative and put quite a burden on people who quite frankly I had no right doing that to. I realize that now. The balance has led to some great friendships, being able to write columns on things that I love, and getting to interview great people that I respect a lot. Maybe Twitter has helped me with my online issues. It is a lot harder to get into trouble with only 140 characters. So hopefully I have forged the good and healthy online relationships online that I have forged off. It still boggles my mind that people want to pay attention to what I have to say. I appreciate all of the people that follow me and I interact with on a daily basis. So thanks to you all, you are much appreciated.

Of hate and holding onto it....

Hate is one of the strongest words in the English Language. It is something that being raised a Christian that I really did not have much experience with. We were taught to forgive and forget and not to spend time hating. I was all fine with that until about a year and a half ago. That is when I learned what it truly meant to hate. The worst thing it was people that were close to me, and I thought were friends. They were not people that I had actually met in person. They were people I had forged friendships with online. That was probably my first mistake. Even when you meet people online and have conversations with them, how well do you really know them. I won't bore you with the details of what happened, but it hurt. A lot. Things were said to me that I had never heard said to me before from other people, but had always thought of myself that way. It was quite a shock to hear that supposed friends thought of me that way and were keeping personal scorecards of all of my faults. So I ended up closing off my Facebook to everyone, but people that I knew in real life and some select others. I promised myself I would never let anyone get that close to me again, and  I haven't. I guess that is why I like Twitter. It has a kind of impersonal feel to it. I don't get too close and people don't get to close to me in a 140 characters.
The thing is, is that this goes against everything I am. When I am a friend I am all in, thick or thin, better or worse, you could count on me. Not anymore. I will still be a friend and I am trying, but putting myself out there again and trusting someone is not going to really happen anytime soon I don't think. I still have the hate that I am holding onto and the fear that it will happen again. Maybe one day I will be able to let it go and make peace with people. But I am afraid not today.

Strength that I did not know I had

Money has been tight lately with Jen being on unemployment and some unforeseen expenses. As a result I had to go without anxiety meds because I had to see the doctor before I could get a refill and we did not have money until today to see the doctor. I won't say the time without the meds was easy, both physically and mentally. I wanted nothing more than to call in to work and not leave the house. Maybe when this first started I would have. Heck, no maybe about it. I did not leave the house for three months. I also had the added stress of going through the hiring process into work which I am still waiting to go through. But I found the strength to get up and go into work. After nights of night sweats and dizziness I fought through and went to work and lived up to my responsibility.

I used some survival techniques that I had learned from a counselor that I had seen when I was in Kentucky. It was challenging my thoughts. It was disproving them. When I thought I was going to die I sat back and thought I have been fighting this for over eight years and I am still here. So thinking I was going to die was pretty illogical. I realized that I was not going to die when I left the house. I hiked up the big boy pants and did what needed to be done. I have a habit of beating myself pretty unmercifully, but this was a time that I could be proud about. I can look back and see how far I have come. When you are going through anxiety or depression, these are moments that you really need to take in and realize that you did something good. You are making improvements. That is all anyone can ask, and all you can ask of yourself. Celebrate the victories. You are worth it. Do I have a long way to go? Yeah, probably, but I have a longer road behind me than I do ahead. Will I always be able to beat this? I don't know, but this week I did, and that is not nothing. So here is hoping that paperwork goes though and I will have insurance and some stability that I have not had for a long time.

    

Of funerals, and things left unsaid.

Last week I went to the funeral of Jen's sister in law's grandfather. He was 94 and lived a good long life. Not knowing what to do during the Hail Mary's, as I am not Catholic, I decided to take a look around the room. I saw a room filled with the people whose life he had touched during his 94 years. At times like these my mind wanders to what my funeral will be like. Will there be anyone there? Have I touched anyone’s life? Will I be missed when I am gone? I asked Jen if the same things passed through her mind when she was at funerals. She said yes. I think it is kind of a natural thing to think things like this.

In the days when people are so busy and with social media taking over, I think that people do not tell people how they feel about them outside of 140 characters. With my parents aging near their mid-seventies I don't know how much time I will have left with them. So I try to call them every couple of days and make sure to talk to them. The calls always end with an I love you. About 10 years I would never have thought of saying things like that to my dad. I guess it is a guy thing.

I guess it is kind of a cliché thing and will be difficult for me being a guy and not really being great at expressing myself, but I am going to try to make sure that I try and keep the connections that I have going and let people know what they mean to me. Whether it is commenting on a Twitter comment online, or telling the people in my real life what they mean to me and keep the lines of communication open. You never know when those lines are going to be closed forever. I don’t want to leave things left unsaid, and I don’t want people to wonder whether I will miss them when they are gone. They will know.

Sometimes I stammer and mix up my grammar...

     But you get what my meanings are. Lately I have been having quite a few moments when I am talking when my brain will totally blank out and I will really have to concentrate to keep my train of thought going. This has led to some stammering or pauses, sometimes even mixing up words. Now I know I am going on 40 and getting older, but my brain is really the only thing I have going for me. I don't know if it is nervousness due to anxiety or the meds I am on. I have spoken to my doctor and he said that the meds can cause gaps or cause episodes like this. The thing is I have been on them for a while now and it seems to be getting worse.
     The thing with anxiety is sometimes I can't tell I am experiencing it. I mean I feel fine, but then I have incidents like this when maybe I could be anxious or nervous. The thing is it happens when I am talking to family members of friends. I guess the thing with the things I go through is that I don't have a lot of answers. Just a whole lot of questions. I have never done a drug in my life until I was prescribed the meds I am on now. So I have no idea what affect they are having on me. I am not sure what is the real me and what is the medicated me, it has been do long.
     It is not all bad though. I have found a job where I think I fit in. I am realizing the importance of the job and keeping it, so I think I am almost to where I was before this whole thing started. So that is really good, and when you are going through anxiety it is really easy to get down on yourself, so it is really important to realize when you have done well, and let yourself feel good about it. Victories are sometimes hard to come by so reward yourself. Also got the new car which I totally knew that I would not get, and we got it anyway despite my negativity. Both mine and Jens parents have said how proud they are of us and feel like we are on our way. I think so too. Just have to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are so many things out of our control. I have tried to get myself to concentrate on the things I can control. Concentrate on the now instead of worrying about the future. We have got a great support system going here which helps immensely. If anyone reads this and needs to talk, I am available. I have been there. It does get better.

Thanks for reading.

Brett

Unforseen side effects

Everyone has heard of the effects of anxiety on the person suffering from it, but there is definitely shrapnel that affects everyone around you. The first thing that I noticed after the three months away from work was that I was not the same kind of worker. I really did not care, and it showed in my work. I would go in and play games on my work computer. I would sleep in my cube due to the new meds I was on. I was the supervisor on the helpdesk. Eventually the people that worked for me noticed it, and said something to my manager. I did not know what to say. This was totally not me, and here I was screwing over the people that kept me on the payroll when they totally did not have to. I took the talk to heart and did better. I still was not the same as I was from before. I think it still holds me back in my professional life. Not like it did, but I still think I could be better.

Apart from the work life was personal life. It is really hard to have friends when you really don't want to leave the house. It really came into being when I lived in Kentucky. It seemed like I always had an excuse not to go somewhere or do something when I was asked. I missed out on a lot of times with my friends down there. But thankfully they kept asking. That was my biggest fear was that people would stop inviting me places. Not leaving the house left me meeing people online that were definitely not the best for me and I got myself into some bad situations with them. Again, more wasted time. Instead of being with real life friends who I knew had my best interests at heart, I went with people who it turns out I did not know at all. Well you live you learn. The best thing we could have done is move back to Michigan among friends and family. I have a friend who has me out of the house at least once a week if not more. I can't say how much I owe him and his wife. Jen and I have friends that we can hang out with as a couple which we have never had before, and we are surrounded by friends.

If there is one thing I hope that people learn from this is not to stop asking. Don't give up on the friend that always has something come up when you make plans. It may be something deeper. It is not easy laying myself out like this, but selfishly it helps me to write about it and maybe someone will read this and identify. Things do get better. I still have my moments, but few and far between now. Surround yourself with people that care about you and have your best interests at heart. I guess if there is one thing that I learned from those other people is that my life is not all negative and to celebrate the little victories and don't dwell on the defeats.